Hard day.
I couldn't get out of that zone that started in the morning when my daughter started fussing and didn't listen to me. I was getting frustrated and my voice wasn't happy one. I even showed something that I shouldn't have done in front of her. First time.
Apartment was messy everywhere. Kitchen, living room, bath room, her room, our room. She made more mess in the kitchen. Cheerios everywhere among other things. When I saw cheerios on the table, I lost it and threw them everywhere. She was looking at me. Surprised or maybe a bit scared. I felt shameful but was screaming "what are all these things!"
She was looking at me eating something and said "cheerios". It sounded like an answer from a zen master. I was so frustrated and getting angry. And she just plainly pointed out that they were cheerios. It didn't make me feel differently though. My frustration got better only when she started having sick-cry right after she ate sesame seed soup I gave her. Her cry was different. It was I-am-sick kind of cry. It was making me a bit scared. I tried to comfort her. Something was bothering her. She kept crying. I knew she was going to puke. Her unusual-sounding cry woke up my husband. Anyway, she puked a few times and she was okay. She may be allergic to sesame seed soup or soup may have been too strong, oily.
....
Anyway, all day long, I couldn't help but feeling down and thinking I am a bad mother. Tried to get out of that zone but unsuccessful. Feeling of incompetency, inadequacy, guilt...
